Stories from the Jedi Academy School Newspaper
by AlexCaletia
Summary: Parodical "news stories". Controversy over lightsaber-control legislation, the use of "TI-83" targeting computers to cheat on X-Wing piloting examinations, midichlorian-enhancing drugs, and more.
1. Lightsaber Control Legislation

**Lightsaber****-Control Legislation Causes Controversy**

Advocates and opponents of stronger lightsaber-control laws are gearing up their lobbying efforts to battle over groundbreaking lightsaber-control legislation that is being proposed in the Republic government. Advocates say that stronger lightsaber-control laws are necessary in order to prevent lightsabers from falling into the hands of evil Sith and also to ensure that lightsaber owners are competent to use their lightsabers safely. This legislation follows a series of widely publicized lightsaber accidents, ranging from the minor, such as an incident in which a 7-year-old Coruscant boy accidentally chopped his own hand off with his father's lightsaber, to the severe, such as when a Jedi who was fighting a fierce duel with an evil Sith Lord while standing on top of the primary antimatter conduit for the Corellian Reactor Complex accidentally dropped his lit lightsaber, rendering a 1000-square-kilometer area of the planet permanently uninhabitable. Despite these reasons for the legislation, there are still many opponents.

Opponents of lightsaber-control laws claim that they are unconstitutional because they violate the Second Amendment to the Republic Constitution, which states that "A well regulated militia being necessary to the security of a free galaxy, the right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed, but the right of the people to keep and bear hands may be infringed by others exercising the previous right." There is much debate over whether "arms" refers only to blasters, or whether it refers to lightsabers too. Jedi Knight Jaden Korr, an opponent of lightsaber control, says that "the fact that the Second Amendment specifically mentions chopping off people's hands clearly means that the Framers were thinking about lightsabers. Have you ever tried chopping off someone's hand with a blaster? I have, and it isn't easy." Snarlton Weston, the head of the GLA (Galactic Lightsaber Association) goes even farther, saying that " 'arms' refers to any form of man-portable weapon, not just blasters and lightsabers. Shoulder-launched anti-vehicular missiles, rocket-propelled grenade launchers, non-lethal weapons, you name it. That is, if anyone had the sense to actually invent any of those things, given their obvious tactical uses as well as the complete lack of anything resembling them in modern warfare." On the other hand, some people dispute these interpretations, saying that the Second Amendment only allows lightsabers in the hands of well-regulated militias. "There are lots of things you can call the Jedi," said Jedi Padawan David Vandria. "Hokey New Age religious cult? Check. Quasi-monastic paramilitary organization? We're that, too. But well-regulated militia? No way. Come on, we can't even capture a single high-value target at a known location with no guards when the fate of the galaxy is on the line."

The new lightsaber-control legislation has several provisions. One provision mandates a three-day waiting period to buy lightsabers, during which authorities will perform a background check to check for evidence of "recent Sith activity". However, some claim that this provision will not stop lightsabers from falling into Sith hands, because "about 97 percent of all Sith are fallen Jedi. They could have gotten their lightsabers while they were Jedi and then keep using them after they turn to the dark side." Also, says Jedi Knight Darian Ketrion, "if you let Sith get lightsabers, they'll probably get new lightsabers and make them red. But if you stop Sith from getting lightsabers, they'll just use their lightsabers from when they were a Jedi, which will be green or blue. And that makes them a lot harder to identify. I know, I was in a battle with Sith once, and if I couldn't identify who was on my side by the color of the lightsabers then I would have killed my friends as often as I killed my enemies." Another controversial provision is one mandating registration of all lightsabers in a central database. "If, hypothetically, the most beloved Senator in the Galactic Senate turned out to be an evil Sith Lord and wanted to turn the Republic into a dictatorship and get rid of all the Jedi, if they had a database of everybody who has lightsabers they could go around and confiscate them and we'll be defenseless," said Ketrion. "Of course, I'm not sure why they would go to all that trouble when they could just destroy the Jedi Temple with about 30 seconds of continuous fire from an Imperial Star Destroyer, but still…"

Another provision of the lightsaber-control bill is intended to prevent accidents, but even this one is controversial. This provision mandates that all lightsabers be equipped with specially designed "Safety-Lock" switches that will turn off when dropped. The purpose of this is so that people don't drop their lit lightsabers and cut into something. However, critics say this reduces the usefulness of lightsabers for self-defense. "Let's say you need to throw your lightsaber at an assailant," says Jedi Padawan Jenoria Triala, "but, like me, you aren't strong enough in the Force yet to keep the button on the lightsaber pressed while it's in the air. Before, I could just use one that stays lit even when the button isn't held down, but if all lightsabers are equipped with Safety-Lock switches, that won't be possible."

Nevertheless, despite all these objections, 62 percent of Jedi support the new lightsaber-control legislation. If the legislation succeeds in keeping lightsabers out of the hands of people who have embraced the Dark Side, it will be much easier for Jedi to kill them. "In order to become a full-fledged Jedi Knight I have to kill or capture an evil Sith," says Vandria, "but the problem is that I'm no good at lightsaber combat and all the Sith I'm fighting have lightsabers. I am pretty good at stealth, though, so I could just sneak up on them and chop their arms off." However, Vandria added, "there's a stupid Jedi Code regulation which says that I have to make my enemy aware of my presence and be staring at each other for at least three consecutive seconds before engaging in lightsaber-to-lightsaber combat. If the enemy didn't have lightsabers, this rule wouldn't apply. Of course, they would probably come up with an equally stupid rule to replace it, but whatever…"


	2. Students Use Targeting Computers

**Students Use Targeting Computers to Cheat On Piloting Examinations**

X-wing pilot Robert Onatha aims his guns at the airborne test drone in front of him and fires. Direct hit! He's successfully destroyed all 10 of the targets in less than three minutes – plenty of time to pass the final test and be awarded the opportunity to fly an X-Wing in a real combat mission. But Onatha didn't have to use the Force to manage such an impressive achievement – back at base, he proudly displays the not-so-secret weapon he used to ensure his success. It's the Tatooine Instruments Model 83 Targeting Computer, also known as the TI-83 – the most advanced targeting computer ever developed.

Modern targeting computers are a far cry from the crude instruments of decades ago. The first targeting computers were referred to as "four-function" targeting computers, because they only performed four functions – generating large amounts of text that flashed by way too fast to read, displaying large quantities of unnecessary graphics, showing wireframe images of enemy craft (why this is useful was never explained), and malfunctioning after being hit by lightning or enemy weapons fire. But the TI-83 has many more capabilities, such as an advanced artificial intelligence, built-in radar system, and the ability to identify, acquire, and track hostile spacecraft – all within a device small enough to be easily smuggled into a spacecraft. It's not surprising, then, that many students bring TI-83s onto their spacecraft during field exercises in order to give them an edge.

Students who use TI-83s defend the practice, saying that as they will have access to targeting computers during real-life combat missions, it makes no sense to deny them access during the exercises. "I don't understand why I should have to spend this much time learning how to hit a 2-meter-wide target with a proton torpedo when I have a targeting computer that can do it for me," says Jedi Knight Luke Skywalker. "They should spend more time teaching us stuff that's actually useful, like what we're supposed to do once the bad guys realize that putting blatantly obvious vulnerable weak points in their designs isn't such a good idea." However, many instructors disagree. Jedi Master Obi-Wan Kenobi, well-known for telling students to "turn off their targeting computers" at the beginning of each examination, says that "You have to be able to use the Force to aim your weapons, because the targeting computer might not work. I'm sure in a few years the Empire's engineers will come up with a way to jam the targeting computers. But if you have the Force on your side, there's no way you can be jammed." When asked about the incident in which four Force-using Jedi were killed when trying to capture Emperor Palpatine when a single starfighter equipped with a targeting computer could easily have shot through the window and killed Palpatine, Kenobi had no comment.

Nevertheless, some of the TI-83's capabilities have made possible the use of techniques that go far beyond mere electronic assistance into outright, blatant cheating. The TI-83 has advanced command-and-control protocols that enable it to transfer targeting data in real time between two TI-83 equipped ships. Therefore, some pilots recruit a friend to scout out the course in front of them and transfer the coordinates and velocity of the targets directly into their own targeting computer, allowing them to easily complete the mission without having to scout out the enemy like they are supposed to. "I do this all the time," says Onatha. "I'll have a friend up in front of me, and I'll say, 'here's my frequency, here's the encryption code, send me the data.'" Academy instructors have attempted to combat this practice by placing signal jammers on the course to prevent pilots from communicating with each other. However, many pilots are skeptical of instructors' ability to prevent cheating, saying that their lack of technical sophistication precludes them from understanding modern high-tech cheating methods. "The most advanced computing system your typical instructor has seen probably doesn't even have human-level sentient intelligence," says Onatha. He also says that the jammers don't work. "It's not like you can't just powercycle your ship's secondary generator and run the resulting waveform through the multiphasic filter to create a counter-frequency harmonic that disables their so-called signal jammer. And by the way, they usually leave the on-off switch on those jammers unguarded."


	3. Yoda Wins Second Term

**Yoda Wins Second Term as Jedi Council President**

_Misinformation, Negative Attack Ads Characterized Close Race_

The election is over, and the results are in: Yoda has officially defeated his main challenger, Luke Skywalker, to win a second four-year term as President of the Jedi Council. According to analysts, the war with the Empire was the most hotly contested issue of the campaign, with Yoda saying it was necessary but Skywalker countering that it was the "wrong war, at the wrong place, at the wrong time". In the first presidential debate, Skywalker stated that "In the Episode 4 opening crawl speech, Yoda called the Empire part of an "axis of evil". But why? There is not one shred of evidence that the Empire is even close to producing a working weapon of mass destruction." However, Yoda claimed that Skywalker's statement was "full of lies." "I never called the Empire part of an axis of evil," Yoda stated. "I did call them evil. But I at no time ever used the term 'axis'. Also, our spies did find the Death Star plans." Skywalker, however, said that the Death Star plans were not evidence of WMD because "first of all, the Death Star's weapon isn't even fully operational. And so what if it was? The main reactor isn't shielded, so we can just drop a couple proton torpedoes in and blow it up if we need to. No need to start a whole war over this."

Yoda also tried to score political points by portraying Skywalker as a "flip-flopper". "Luke Skywalker says he supports our troops," said a campaign ad, "but he voted against funding for new advanced targeting computers for X-Wings that will be essential to winning the war on terror. Is this who you want in charge?" Skywalker said that this ad was "simply misleading," saying that "I never voted against targeting computers. All I said was that we need to make sure every Jedi is capable of hitting a 2-meter-wide target without using a targeting computer, and my education plan will make sure that that happens. I mean, I did vote against targeting computers, but that was before I voted for them. Or I voted for them, but that was before I voted against them. Or whatever." While not explicitly denying charges that he is a flip-flopper, Skywalker stated that "even if I am, I'm definitely a lot less of a flip-flopper than my father, who was probably the biggest flip-flopper of them all."

Skywalker's campaign was also dealt a major blow by the X-Wing Veterans for Truth (XWVT), an organization of Skywalker's squadmates during the Battle of Yavin that say that Skywalker's actions prove he is unfit to be a leader. "While Luke Skywalker was sitting it his X-wing meditating and drawing on the power of the Force or whatever you want to call it, I was nearly killed by dozens of TIE Fighters shooting at me," says pilot Biggs Darklighter in a typical XWVT ad. "I served with Luke Skywalker, and he can't be trusted." The XWVT also claims that the medal Skywalker earned for "single-handedly" saving Yavin was awarded fraudulently. "I clearly saw Obi-Wan Kenobi's Jedi apparition sitting right next to Luke Skywalker when he was going down that trench," said Darklighter. "There's no doubt about it: He cheated."

Exit polls show, however, that the issue that mattered most to voters was moral values. According to exit polls, thousands of Jedi chose Yoda over Skywalker because of their positions on same-sex Master-Padawan relationships. "We have to clearly define the Master-Padawan relationship as between a male master and a female apprentice, or a female master and a male apprentice," said Yoda. "Skywalker, however, wants to move away from this tradition, and that will cause a slippery slope. Next thing we know, Masters will want to have two or more Padawans. And then they'll want to have partners of different species. We can't let that happen." Skywalker, however, claimed that he was not in favor of same-sex relationships, but instead favored a system where same-sex couples could not be considered "official" Master-Padawan couples, but could instead be considered "civil unions". Under Skywalker's plan, which has already been implemented on several planets, Jedi apprentices with same-sex masters could complete the Jedi Trials and be awarded a "provisional" Jedi Knight status. "I really like Luke Skywalker's system," said Provisional Jedi Knight Darian Sinthera after filling out his provisional ballot in a provisional Jedi Council election. "But I would like it if I could get full recognition. I mean, with this provisional status, you can't even get good health insurance." In the final debate between the two major candidates, Skywalker pointed out that Yoda's own apprentice, Qui-Gon Jinn, was involved in a same-sex relationship which his Padawan, Obi-Wan Kenobi. Yoda claimed that this reference was "inappropriate".

Nevertheless, in the election, Yoda won with 51 percent of the vote. In his concession speech, Skywalker decided not to push for recounts of ballots on critical swing planets, instead calling for "a need for unity" in order for the Jedi to help "defeat the evil Empire."

"Look, he flip-flopped again," commented Yoda. "First he said the Empire wasn't evil, now he says it is. Even after the election is over he can't stop flip-flopping."


	4. Midichlorian Enhancing Drugs

**Jedi Athletes Use Midichlorian-Enhancing Drugs To Boost Performance**

Becoming strong in the Force is hard work, requiring years of training, traveling the galaxy, fighting evil, and avoiding the temptations of the Dark Side. The payoff is immense, though, as those with a strong bond to the Force can prove their strength in intramural athletic events such as the X-Wing lift, lightsaber boomerang throw, and man-versus-droid dueling challenge. Unfortunately, advances in pharmaceutical technology have made possible an easier route to the Force – midichlorian-enhancing drugs, colloquially known as "MEDs".

MEDs work by stimulating the growth of midichlorians within the user's bloodstream, thus increasing the user's midichlorian count. However, the runaway growth of midichlorians can cause side effects, such as a change in brain chemistry. While mild use of MEDs only has mild side effects, such as the temptation to kill enemies when possible rather than waste time trying to capture them and thus letting them get away, heavy MED use can cause severe mental problems, including an inability to distinguish good from evil, the desire to associate with evil Sith Lords, a tendency to overestimate the power of the Dark Side, and the temptation to turn against and kill one's own Master.

The controversy over MEDs is heating up after the recent loss of Anakin Skywalker, one of the Academy's best Jedi Knights, to the Dark Side. While this would normally be nothing to worry about because wayward Jedi turn to the Dark Side all the time, the loss of Skywalker is particularly devastating because he helped the evil Emperor Palpatine turn the Republic into an Empire. While numerous explanations have been proffered for his downfall, such as the corrupting desire for power and the desire to help his terminally ill girlfriend Padme, Jedi psychologist Dr. Andrea Dextron says none of these are correct. "Tests showed that Anakin Skywalker had a midichlorian count of over 20,000 even before he joined the Jedi Order, and that number only increased as he gained power in the Force. Not even Master Yoda has a count that high. 'Conceived by the midichlorians'? How preposterous! That defies the most basic laws of biology." Dextron's conclusion: "It's obvious: Anakin Skywalker overdosed on midichlorian-enhancing drugs."

Nevertheless, many Jedi athletes choose to use MEDs to give themselves an extra edge in close matches. A major cause of MED use is the long-standing rivalry between the Jedi Academy and the Sith Academy, which has beaten the Jedi in 13 of the last 14 Jedi-versus-Sith competitions. The one competition the Jedi won was the "Force Football" event, where the Jedi used their superior knowledge of psychology to perform a Jedi mind trick on the referee to trick him into calling someone who was clearly out of bounds in bounds. After that incident, the use of Jedi mind tricks on referees was banned, putting the Jedi at a severe disadvantage. One MED user, whose name is withheld for privacy reasons, says that "You know the Sith are going to be shooting themselves up with MEDs. If I don't use MEDs too there's no way I'll be able to compete."

The Jedi Council has attempted to combat the problem of MED use by instituting testing programs and penalties for those caught using MEDs. Although the newer MEDs are virtually impossible to directly detect, the use of MEDs can be inferred if someone has a midichlorian count that is "higher than could be naturally attainable." With the new policies, Jedi participating in interscholastic athletics will be forced to take random midichlorian tests. Those with a midichlorian count of over 20,000 will be deemed to have been using MEDs and will be punished appropriately. First-time offenders will be barred from competing for a year, while repeat offenders will be expelled from the Jedi Order. However, some students claim the testing policies are ineffective, saying that MED users can calibrate their doses to stay below the limit, thus avoiding punishment. One MED user said he was "very relieved" after learning that he had a midichlorian count of 19,984. Others say the punishment is too harsh, noting that students who are expelled will likely join the Sith Academy, improving the quality of their athletic teams. "If we really want to finally beat the Sith in something, the new MED policies will only hurt us." Others say that the whole goal of preventing MED use is counterproductive, arguing that the Academy needs to "let go of their inhibitions" and "embrace the power of MEDs." Says one MED user, "Never underestimate the power of MEDs, or we will suffer the same fate the New York Yankees did when the Red Sox beat them."


End file.
